Many of my clients ask what does it mean when their spouse or lover constantly criticizes or berates them privately or publicly, won’t come home at night until late, has private phone calls they can’t hear, dresses up when they leave home to go out for a supposed errand, or generally abuses them verbally, mentally, emotionally, or sometimes even physically?

Sadly, this is the behavior they are using to let you know they want OUT of the relationship. They are too gutless to simply use the truth so they will attack until the other partner gives up and says just leave. This is exactly what they are hoping for. If you say go, then they can turn to the family and loved ones and manipulatively say. “I would have stayed, but they threw me out.” They don’t want people to blame them.

This takes care of all of the blame that they are hoping to place on you. They will literally shame and harass you until they get exactly what they want. This is very much like a small child staging a “fit” in the grocery store, yelling, raging, maybe even holding their breathe, until they get their way.

Shame and blame are the most commonly used tactics to hurt, end, and destroy love when one partner wants to go and is looking for a way out. When this happens to you, you may spend months “in shock”, trying to “save the love”, but to no avail. The blamer is determined to get out.

They will do whatever it takes to stop the love to be free of you, often lying and accusing you of things you never did or would ever do. This is incredibly hurtful and leaves emotional scars for a lifetime if you allow it.

When your Holy Spirit is telling you, something is not right, something is terribly wrong here; it is trying to lead you to realize the painful truth and make the changes you must. Remember often lovers will pretend to be something they are not. If you fall in love with a lie you cannot blame yourself in the future.

You can however, watch closely as you get to know them, listen carefully to exactly what they are saying, NOT what you want to hear, be honest with yourself if they are giving you RED FLAGS OF DYSFUNCTIONAL BEHAVIOR, and make a clear assessment of exactly who and what they are as a person, BEFORE YOU COMMIT TO THEM.

Being honest with yourself BEFORE you are legally, emotionally, financially, physically, intellectually, and spiritually committed to them, will save you a world of sorrow in the future.

Let it go and begin again. Quit blaming yourself, constantly questioning yourself with, “what if, if only, could have, should have, why, why, why,” questions. You are attempting to use logic and reason to analyze and understand behavior that is NOT logical. You can never understand because there is NO LOGIC in the dysfunctional behavior. There is NO way to figure this out or have a peace with it, by tormenting yourself over and over.

Let it go and begin again. Ask God to help you heal and show you the way to honest and true love and begin again. He will do that for you if you will only ask Him.
One thing you MUST DO is FORGIVE YOURSELF. Why continue to carry the burden of SHAME AND BLAME someone else has “assigned to you?” What possible good will there be in your life if you keep hurting yourself with it?

FORGIVE YOURSELF AND GO FORWARD. If you were truly deceived by the ex-love, forgive yourself and release it. Even if you suspected something was happening and could not bring yourself to “give it up”, now is the time to LET IT GO.

If God forgives us the first time we sincerely come to Him and ask to be released from our sin or sorrow, why should we continue to “torment” ourselves with the guilt? The “torment” is not from God. It is a form of the darkness. Evil and darkness are not a man in a red satan suit with a pitch fork, perched on our shoulder, whispering to us to lie, steal or cheat. The depression of our disappointments and sorrows, will rise within us to “beat us up” with the pain and cause us to “lose our faith in God” if we allow it to. Evil’s message to us at these “tormented emotional times” is “God doesn’t care about you. He won’t help you. You are alone in your sorrow. No one cares.”

Evils’ intention is to separate you from the God part of your soul and keep you in sorrow and pain. With enough pain, you will give up and feel God has abandoned you. That is simply NOT TRUE. If we are consumed with our pain, often it will lead to drastic acts that cannot be undone. The Bible says the “heart is deceitful.”

Our emotions feel like our “heart” talking to us. We do things without our own use of logic and many times end up paying for them in all kinds of ways we never even dreamed of before. Don’t allow your heart to deceive you. You will make the WRONG DECISIONS FOR YOUR FUTURE AND YOUR LIFE. IT COULD BE DISASTROUS FOR YOU. DON’T LET THAT HAPPEN. If you have children, their lives will be dramatically impacted forever as well. Think about all of these things before you make any decision.

Forgive yourself and go forward. Release the pain, surround yourself with loved ones that truly care for you, and don’t “torment” yourself any more. Seek the Power of God to comfort you and ask for help. If you need to spend time healing before you try love again, do so. Loving friends and family, laughter, joy and fun make the world seem bright again and give us courage to go forward.

Give yourself a gift…of a future for yourself that is NOT controlled by SHAME AND BLAME that someone else assigned to you. Don’t you deserve it?

Of course you do. Next time you will be so much stronger and will recognize others mind games before you are hurt or used by them. Remember the tender-hearted and innocent are easy to deceive. Be on guard and don’t just open your body, mind, andspirit to allthat seek you. They may have a “hidden agenda” to use others and you do NOT want to be used again.

Be strong for yourself, give yourself another chance for love and happiness and be brave. You will be so glad you did. Someday, you will think back to the painful time and laugh, knowing that will NEVER happen to you again. You will never be that vulnerable again. Shame and blame will NEVER CONTROL YOU AGAIN. IT IS NOT GOD’S INTENTION FOR YOUR LIFE.

Life is a growing process. Grow with God and allow Him to lead you and show you’re your strengths that maybe you did not even realize you had. You will be amazed by your pure Holy Spirit Power to overcome all obstacles that confront you, if you will let God and Jesus guide you. God’s blessings to you now, and always.